I read a shocking piece of news in yesterday's edition of The Times Of India. A young wife had acid poured on her face and down her throat by her enraged husband. Why? Her father couldn't afford to fulfill his son-in-law's latest dowry demand. A poor farmer, the father would struggle hard to satisfy these recurring demands, to prevent his daughter's abuse at the hands of her husband. However, the latest ask of Rs. 80,000 and a new motorcycle was beyond his means. Today, this woman is battling for her life in hospital.
Incidents like this one sadden me greatly. Why, I wonder, do parents willingly risk their daughters' lives?
According to a newspaper report which I've quoted in a recent post, India sees one dowry death every hour. What's more, I am absolutely sure all these women were abused before they were forced to die. In all likelihood, they were abused repeatedly. It is also equally likely that parents were aware of what their daughters were going through.
A significantly large chunk of our society seems to think that marriage is the be-all and end-all of a woman's life. Come what may, she must be married as early as possible, and then she must stay married. So parents will give in to demands by unscrupulous grooms and families, to ensure that their daughter is 'accepted'. When she is harassed and tortured for more after marriage, they will fold their hands and keep giving, in the hope of appeasing the in-laws and 'buying' her happiness. If she leaves, she is sent back. If she's thrown out, they will beg the in-laws to take her back. Divorce is not an option, as they are afraid of what others might say. So she must continue to suffer in silence, keep adjusting to whatever is meted out to her, and be stoic about it.
What amazes me most is that none of these folks are able of foresee the risk they are subjecting their daughters to. Or perhaps they do get a sense of foreboding, but choose not to act in the hope that things won't get any worse?
And then, people run from pillar to post to seek justice for a daughter, once she is no more. What they fail to realize is that timely intervention could have saved her life.
If only the parents of these women had refused to hand their daughters over to greedy grooms and in-laws. If only they had brought their daughters back home upon the first signs of torture and abuse. If only they had empowered their daughters to be capable and independent women.
"If only" ..... but saying so is utterly pointless. Because regret won't bring her back.
Text © 2012 http://e-pinion.blogspot.in
Shocking! Such a shame. The parents selling out their girls like that and men buying out women. better to stay unmarried then jump into this well! well written
ReplyDeleteI know. To think this happens in educated homes too.
DeleteI second Jenny!!!
ReplyDeleteI really dont understand what the hell is that STAY MARRIED when there is no meaning for such marriage?
I think every women and her family has to be educated and made to realize there is nothing more important than life is!
Same issues are discussed in Satyameva Jayate good topic Ash! well written really shocking incidents! :(
Agree, women need to be not just educated, but empowered too. That ways, they can walk out on abusive husbands and in-laws who are just not worth being with.
DeleteIt is a very sorry state of affairs...one can understand that the girl's parents are duped by the boy's duplicity but once his intentions are clear then they should not hesitate to bring her back...but what can you expect when even honor killings are so frequent?
ReplyDeleteYup, and mindsets of such a large section of the population will be quite tough to change.
DeleteDemand for dowry leads people to go for female foeticide...to stop the vicious cycle I believe its not only important to be educated but also to be financially independent. That way they wont have to keep being abused just for a shelter and some food.
ReplyDeleteApart from shelter and food, Rajrupa, its also a question of changing the omnipresent "log kya kahenge" mindset. Why other people's opinions should matter over a daughter's safety is something I fail to see an iota of sense in.
DeleteYou are absolutely right...but I feel the girls rather should learn to take care of themselves than depending on parents or husbands... That's one thing I like about the West. Their fierce sense of independence.
DeleteAbsolutely... its critical for women to be financially and emotionally independent.
DeleteVery well written. Social awareness is the only solution to stop this kind of attrocity.
ReplyDeleteThanks SG. Social awareness is indeed the only way forward.
DeleteIt's shocking. Maybe the parents feel that it won't happen to THEIR daughter. Maybe they think "it's not that bad" and that "she should adjust". Or perhaps what "society" thinks of them is truly more important to the parents than their daughter's welfare?
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so mad when people give so much importance to what others might say or think!
DeleteIn India, marriage has turned into a business. Buyers and sellers. The one who bids the highest wins!
ReplyDeletePoor girls are being 'sold off' like hot cakes. Forgive me for using the word sold here, but isn't it true. Customs and society has made it nearly impossible for parents to survive lest their girld child is unmarried. It's almost a crime to keep them home and to save their face, they get their children married off on a 1st come 1st serve basis.
Tragic really! Usually we see this in rural India but in Urban cities it is no different. I wonder where the child's happiness lies. Why don't they open their eyes and see. The groom, who is said to protect the wife resorts to abusing the wife. Sad state!
P.S. Sorry for the excessively long comment. But nice write up dear. :)
Aw, now :) don't be sorry, I like long comments, they show the reader's involvement! I agree, this whole marriage thing is a transaction, the word "sold" seems appropriate in fact. What bothers me more is that many so-called educated families hold this regressive mindset too.
DeleteAPT title, Dowry Deaths are very common these days, and the worst part is that even though Parents have enuf lessons and examples to learn from, still they give daughters to these devils, marrying off girls at and early age and later, due to the society and pressures, sometimes these young victims don't even react to such tortures, most of them bear it silently and thus more and more women are forced to face it . Least is done to get rid of this problem, some end up blaming the girl, leave alone supporting her.
ReplyDeletenice writeup.. :)
Thanks! Shows how skewed their priorities are, if they think their daughters' safety is less important than what society thinks of them.
Deletea new follower of ur blog!great work done!! highly impress with the way u ve expressed ds damn tragic n acute problem being faced by abundants of women!! keep it up.keep blogging :)regards !
ReplyDeleteThanks palak... keep visiting!
Deletewhat a shame!
ReplyDeleteTotally.
Deleteagree with confused soul.! the moment a girl is born in this great land, she becomes the product that is waiting to be sold in the great indian marriage market.! huh.!
ReplyDeleteWell put, Rinzu... product waiting to be sold... unfortunately, that's how it is for so many.
DeleteAgree with you here that it is the fear of "log kyaa kaheinge" that make the parents of these girls to compromise on anything and every thing...and this attitude actually helps those people who simply keep money above everything in their life....
ReplyDeletei think this is the high time when society as a whole should come up against this social evil and youths can play a major role into it.....
Totally, Irfan ji... people created these warped attitudes, and people have to take a stand against them too. The "log kya kahenge" attitude is the worst of all.
DeleteReading such incidents sends shivers down my spine. These women are just like us. I have seen even educated women facing these issues and because the girl's parents are not so well off they ask their daughter to adjust.
ReplyDeleteWomen need to stand up for themselves and learn not to bow down to such evils...
That's the sad part, Vinita.... education alone may not be enough to lend strength to a woman... instilling a sense of independence is as important.
DeleteIt is very sad to see that parents run around for getting justice after death but dont support their daughter when she is suffereing..
ReplyDeleteI see the only way out thru education and employment.
Absolutely, Renu ji... no other way.
DeleteHi Ash
ReplyDeleteWhen I was working in KL, one of my colleagues asked me 'Groom side still take a lot of dowry in India rt?' This person was a third-generation Indian of Malaysia. People whose grand or great-grand parents moved to Malaysia from India. Now they are Malaysian Citizens but of Indian race. These people no longer have dowry system. The girl spends for the engagement and the groom for the wedding out of their own pockets. If this beautiful system is possible by Indians who moved out why not in India.
Men who demand such money from in-laws are spineless *&#$# (you can fill in whatever bad words you like :) )
Such a sad state. The thing is this mentality of the groom;s side will be very evident in the way they behave before the wedding. SO as you rightly pointed out the solution lies in stop giving the girls in marriage to such families.
Irony is these families that give their daughters to such money-fleecing folks will resist with all their force when the girl marries someone of her choice in the name of honour.
But there are communities in India that have grown by leaps and bounds and changed for the good. I am sure the rest will follow. But its not easy and will not happen overnite. But it WILL.
Such men indeed are spineless *&#$# ... I can think of lots of insulting words to fill in here!
DeleteEven asking for "shagan" at weddings is a very cheap and lowly thing to do.... It's like begging. "Gifts" for the groom.... gold jewelry or coins for the boy's mother, father, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... sarees, suit pieces, cash... UGH. People actually expect and even ask for these things. Don't they feel small?
Sad and shocking that such evils are still prevelant in India..What is the point of making huge strides in technology,science etc if the malaise called dowry is not eradicated?
ReplyDeleteAre these cruel people even human? How can they treat a person in such a way. They should be severely punished for the horrendous act!
:(
They deserve harsh punishment. It's the only way to deter other greedy grooms and their families. The law must take its course in such cases.
DeleteOMG! It's really alarming to see news like this increasing every day, despite the awareness media is trying to create. I quite can't empathize these morons as to why they do these kind of act or what motive do they hold! Yuks!
ReplyDeleteAgree, there is nothing to empathize with... when greed and petty-mindedness takes them over.
DeleteMore often than not they are scared about samaaj. What will society say? Sad as it is, no girl needs to die if her parents stand firmly behind her and educate her so that she can support herself.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree, Rachna. Nothing gives one as much strength as independence.
DeleteAsh,
ReplyDeleteNavigated from Shilpa's blog. Read current two posts. Marriage is union of not just two individuals but coming together of two families. Blind following of western culture without even understanding their intricacies is incorrect. I had written a post on Happy Married Life in 3 parts in Oct-Nov 2009 in which I stated expectation of each party involved and related responsibilities also. One should let a couple, daughter & son in law as well as son & daughter in law, sort out their difference at their own without interfering unless situation seems to be heading towards violence. You must have read what Shilpa wrote about what DILs think about MILs. As told to her I wrote a post on what MILs say about DILs. I am going to write a follow up post on that a little while later today. If you find time, please do read the posts I have told you about and give your valuable views. One should never accept violence, physical or emotional. If a girl tells that she is undergoing such situation it is paramount duty of parents or close ones to ensure her safety. There is no use of carrying on with a farcical marriage where girl is at receiving end. We lost a professionally qualified niece within a year of her marriage and I blame her father as he did not share what she was facing in her in laws house. I wrote a post on that too. We need to get out of that fear of What will society say.
Take care
Hello, thanks for the comment and welcome here :)
DeleteI agree, blind following of western culture is incorrect, but the west has its good points too (just like every other culture). Therefore, I would add that blind disregard of western culture, due to eastern prejudices, is equally incorrect.
I did read your post on the MIL's point of view, and although it is very well written, it reinforces my stand that a married couple absolutely must live in a separate establishment. I see no logic in living in the husband's parents' home. One must respect the fact that both the MIL and the DIL have the right to manage their own establishments the way they would like to, and so, be given the chance to. At the same time, parents of both the husband and the wife need to be treated with EQUAL regard and care. Why place the husband's parents on a higher pedestal?
Our society tends to expect the girl to forget that she has her own family too, and has lived with them for years before marrying this man. It bothers me when a girl is told by her husband and in-laws that "her parents are another family now, but his parents are part of the same family and she must put them in first place". That, in my opinion, is very unfair, and hard to live by.
If a couple stays on their own while keeping both sets of parents close at hand and equally loved, and parents treat the couple like grown ups too, most issues that ruin relationships won't even arise. And yes, every adult individual has right to choose what to wear, eat, do, and whether to follow certain customs or traditions. Advice is always welcome but imposition can only cause resentment, and so, it is best avoided.
I completely agree on the second part, if there is any hint of any kind of violence, the girl needs to get out, and pronto. No compromises there.
if it's an arranged marriage then a proper background check of the guy and his family before marriage is absolutely mandatory. although such incidents don't happen only in arranged marriages.
ReplyDeleteparents have to be more practical and most importantly, as you mentioned, the girl should be strong enough to handle a situation like this. she should be independent and should be able to take a decision. if necessary, come out of the relationship. it's her life and she is the only person who should decide what is right for her.
very well written post!!
Thanks Debajyoti! Yeah, learning to be independent is especially important for women, so they can get out of abusive or pointless marriages. Parents who turn their backs on abused daughters obviously have very screwed up ideals and priorities. Unfortunately, these very parents prevent their daughters from being independent, and thus, being able to stand up for themselves.
DeleteOur society has dealt the girl child a rough hand, from before birth to the dark and end side of life.. liked ur post..
ReplyDeletei had once written about the girl child issue, "save the girl child" do read sometime..
yeah, i have read tht post, "no country for women", verry nice even th pictures u have used..
DeleteTrue Dipthi.... this is indeed no country for women
DeleteWill check out your post for sure.
...wonderfully penned the very sad and tragic but true state of these highly unfortunate affairs in Indian mass societies, Ash! It is because of this that we are damned and doomed..as compared to progressive people in the world..a sorry situation indeed!
ReplyDeleteIt is an unfortunate state of affairs, Amit ji... hopefully this new generation will start a new movement of change.
DeleteWomen have to stand up for themselves, and they need support. It's sad to see so many innocent girls getting tortured. Someday I hope, this place is a safe place for women to live in.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too. Yes, women have to stand up for themselves and for each other.
DeleteWhat a relevant write up you have penned.
ReplyDeleteSuperb work.
You are doing a fabulous job in sensitizing about burning issues.
Keep it up
Thanks Anupam!
Deleteermmm... i commented here, no idea why it didnt turn up :P
ReplyDeleteyou have so truly said Ash, the 'if onlys' are so utterly useless as an afterthought after the damage is done! the dowry system is so unbelievably ugly in India. all i can say is, if parents still dont understand what a terrible crime they are committing by giving into their wishes, it is girl's responsibility to be firm in her stand to NOT let this happen. I know it sounds far fetched and hard but with more literacy and self independence we will reach there!
This is a fantastic write up Ash. Moving with very strong emotions. Kudos to you!!:)
Well said, Kirti, and thanks....! Unfortunately, many families don't encourage their daughters to be self-reliant. It is their subsequent dependence on husbands and in-laws that makes them so helpless. This attitude needs to change.
DeleteI moderate all comments, so you can only see them after I've published them :) I remember publishing one of yours earlier.
Ash!!! Again a neat post!!! You have written well and thoughtfully-as usual!
ReplyDeleteLet me contribute to your neat post y adding some more facts: Dowry incidents have actually risen in the last 10 years. It was bad in 1980s and then dropped in 1990s and now they are back with a raging fury! Compared to 1980s, the rate of conviction has actually decreased and the no of women in burn wards increased! Allt his has a lot to do with globalization and the increasing desire to showcase latest mall pleasures!
Keep writing like this Ash!! We do society a great deal of service just by continously highlighting these issues!
Thanks Bhavana! Yes, we must try and make all the difference we can. These statistics are shocking. To think that people in this day and age live by such archaic traditions.
Deletegreat post Ash! wonder why even today people have not been able to come out of this practice. i have heard guys who have dated the girl for years have asked for dowry while getting married! i find it so strange!!
ReplyDeleteI know such people too, Apala. Its disgusting.
DeleteWell-written :)
ReplyDeleteI think instead of blaming parents and in-laws for the atrocities against women, it is about time women took some responsibility in choosing their life-partners and becoming independent enough to not tolerate such nonsense!
That's the whole prob Divya... girls aren't conditioned to be independent and strong. If a young girl isn't allowed to study beyond basic graduation of +2, or to take up a job, how can she possibly be independent? That's where parents need to step in.
DeleteI think we can keep on with the blaming game and this wont get solved .. Till each of us treats the other as human .. it will be the same ..
ReplyDeleteTHe selling and buying is a BIG thing these days , people dont want to TALK about it but it is happening .. the new trend is to get kids abroad .. If a girl had got a visa for 3 years to uk, you can find a lot of parents who will give the girls parents lakhs to take their son as a spouse .. and the other way round tooo .. and it is happening BIG TIME ..
In punjab since the ration of females is less , men are finding it hard to have wifes so they are buying from nepla-bengal etc ..
Bikram's
True, Bikram... unless people start treating others as human beings worthy of respect, things can't change. Quite shocking to know about this buying and selling.
DeleteAsh,
ReplyDeletePlease do see my reply to your views in my space.
Take care
I did, uncle.... I also noticed you are 60+ ... good to see you active in this youth-dominated blogosphere! :)
DeleteAnd men need to back out :P
ReplyDeleteYep!
Deletenicely penned ash...
ReplyDeletedeeply touched...............
:-(
hope things will change...........
bless u
anu
I hope so too, Anu! Thanks, and bless you.
DeleteI am glad at least someone took this up on their blog, I was really agonized on reading the report. I wonder when we shall get to see the elimination of such tendencies to resort to extreme acts from fellow countryfolks' temperaments.. I don't understand what goes on in their minds when they're coming up with such vile ideas..and where do they derive such courage and insensitivity from??
ReplyDeleteSeriously... to think these kinds of people roam free on the streets.
DeleteI came across this news as well. It is so common these days. People do not realize the value of life and how lucky they are to have someone in their life. All this has to do with Knowledge and education I tell you. It's mostly in the rural parts that this is prevelant. In a fit of rage they do something which they regret lifelong.
ReplyDeleteTrue, most people in rural areas are like this. But you know what, Ashwini, I have seen educated families and men adapt this regressive mindset too. That's the sad part... when education doesn't correct archaic mindsets, its purpose is lost. We hear of so many educated men and in-laws asking for dowry, torturing their wives over dowry. More than mere education, it is correct conditioning which matters.
Deleteas always, these things keep happening and all we can do is blog for awareness!!! lets hope something changes! :) good one!
ReplyDeleteThanks Priya :)
DeleteVery nicely you've penned down this issue!great post!
ReplyDeleteP.S. you've been tagged at http://itsmylife13393.blogspot.in/2012/07/tagged.html
!!
Thanks for the tag pooja :) will respond soon!
Deleteits pretty sad thing ....which is happening in the society :))
ReplyDeletethis was the one main reason i was pretty stubborn not to marry anybody from my own caste
I hail from mangalore and dowry is openly accepted out here ....dowry is decided to based on guy's education status ....n guys parents most of the time give high education only to get more fat dowry .....
feels so sick to be part of it and many of times parents r helpless in the name of their daugter's happiness which i feel is really a bad thing to happen ...
hope all of us start saying no to dowry ...giving and taking both !!
Absolutely.... its as much up to the girl's family to say no as it is to the boy's family to not ask.
DeleteHi Ash,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled on this blog! I am happy that we share the same thoughts. Please read my blog on a similar topic at http://scorpiothinker.blogspot.in/2010/12/httpwww.html.
I am from Kerala and belong to a caste in which dowry was not openly discussed some ten years ago. Now, the situation has changed. I am from a family in which no one demanded or gave dowry. But recently, I was shocked out of my skin when I heard my aunt asking for dowry.
Happens everywhere, Sithara :( even amongst educated people. That's the saddest part.
DeleteFollowing your blog now :) thanks for dropping by!