I've noticed that most people become insecure and miserable when their partners refuse to let go of that much-debated 'friendship with the ex'. So, here is a question to ponder over: Is it OK to stay friends with your ex-partner, especially if you're in a relationship with someone else now?
If you're still in touch with your ex-love and your partner is unhappy about it, here's my advice to you:
I think that being friends with the ex isn't a good idea unless:
1. You both are able to keep old feelings from creeping in.
2. Your current partners have no problem with it.
Unfortunately, most of us don't have the maturity or wisdom to handle such friendships without messing up somewhere.
If you're still in touch with your ex-love and your partner is unhappy about it, here's my advice to you:
I think that being friends with the ex isn't a good idea unless:
1. You both are able to keep old feelings from creeping in.
2. Your current partners have no problem with it.
Unfortunately, most of us don't have the maturity or wisdom to handle such friendships without messing up somewhere.
If your partner isn't comfortable with your being friends with the ex, and he or she has told you so, then you need to do some clear thinking. Most aren't OK with such friendships for obvious reasons, so I wouldn't entirely blame your partner for being uncomfortable.
What concerns me more than staying friends with the ex is the fact that many people don't pay heed to their partners' discomfort over this. If your partner is clearly unhappy about it, you need to sort out your priorities, i.e. make the obvious choice between your relationship and said friendship.
What concerns me more than staying friends with the ex is the fact that many people don't pay heed to their partners' discomfort over this. If your partner is clearly unhappy about it, you need to sort out your priorities, i.e. make the obvious choice between your relationship and said friendship.
If you're feeling miserable over your partner's friendship with his or her ex,
here's what I think you should do:
1. Don't simmer in silence, speak up.
2. Don't let the status quo drag on.
Some intervention has to be there - speak to your partner frankly and calmly; tell him or her clearly that you can't deal with this, and then POSITIVELY follow through on whatever ultimatum you issue. Either that, or learn to live with it. For all you know, it may just be a harmless friendship, nothing more.
1. Don't simmer in silence, speak up.
2. Don't let the status quo drag on.
Some intervention has to be there - speak to your partner frankly and calmly; tell him or her clearly that you can't deal with this, and then POSITIVELY follow through on whatever ultimatum you issue. Either that, or learn to live with it. For all you know, it may just be a harmless friendship, nothing more.
Nevertheless, don't accept everything unpleasant that comes your way. Doing so is likely to establish a habitual and
repetitive pattern, and you will invariably end up giving
in more often than you feel comfortable with. It's a difficult pattern to
break. Trust me, you have to be clear on your
non-negotiables from the word go, or else the other person simply won't be able to
respect your boundaries.
It's always better to ruffle feathers at the outset, I say. Its much harder breaking away later, as you get more attached and more involved over time. Try never to lose your hat when you confront your partner, but do it firmly.
In conclusion:
I'm not saying that being friends with the ex is a bad thing. Strictly speaking, there is no right or wrong here. It also doesn't matter whether others think that being friends with the ex is OK (or not OK). It's ALL about what works for you both and what doesn't, and your choice in this matter has to depend upon your own zone of tolerance. After all, tolerance is what ultimately makes or breaks every relationship!
It's always better to ruffle feathers at the outset, I say. Its much harder breaking away later, as you get more attached and more involved over time. Try never to lose your hat when you confront your partner, but do it firmly.
In conclusion:
I'm not saying that being friends with the ex is a bad thing. Strictly speaking, there is no right or wrong here. It also doesn't matter whether others think that being friends with the ex is OK (or not OK). It's ALL about what works for you both and what doesn't, and your choice in this matter has to depend upon your own zone of tolerance. After all, tolerance is what ultimately makes or breaks every relationship!
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Being friends with an ex is a bad idea as per me. Letting go becomes difficult then. The best way to deal with a relationship gone wrong is by burying its remains. Juts my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable with it either... but then again, what doesn't work for someone may work for another... it all depends, like I said, on each individual's zone of tolerance :)
DeleteAsh,
ReplyDeleteIt is an individual's choice but one can not impose this on partner. I could speak a lot as I have witnessed few such incidents where the current relationship turned sour. You are right when you say that most are not mature enough to handle this properly. When one is in dumps due to fight with partner or is alone for whatever be the reasons, it does lead to establishing old ways with ex. That is where the problem intensifies. So best is not to take any chance and move on completely. I agree with Rinzu above.
Take care
I agree uncle. I probably wouldn't be comfortable if my partner were too friendly with the ex either.
DeleteAlthough, for some it may be ok. It all depends on what each person can live with or can't.
Nothing is good or bad. It's all a matter of choice and everything depends on circumstances - they are different for different people. There are some people it is good to let go off because they are not good for you - sometimes staying friends is a bad idea because in some way or another it does stop you from moving on...With others, it's ok - just because a relationship did not work out in the romantic sense it isn't necessary for it to not work out as a friendship - there are no guidelines that one can follow..ultimately, it is all about what the heart feels is right!
ReplyDeleteDitto :) ! All depends on how much one can live with!
DeleteIn India, it's hard,Ash. Many things along with partner, family, friends, society take part in the relationship. Here, I have seen many people still talk to the ex or have to deal with the ex because of the kids. But, I agree to everything you said. I like the way you analyse a subject and bring out the points..
ReplyDeleteQuite right. If its an ex spouse with kids, it is tough to cut off. This is a call one should ideally take before getting into the relationship!
Deleteexactly, there's no right or wrong...what I think is that if you had a bad parting , its always better to not keep on the contact, for your own sake :)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely... all depends on the couple.
DeleteA lot depends on why you broke up, on how long the relationship lasted, on how the present relationship is going. Some partners are insecure and any friendship with ex can harm the present one.
ReplyDeleteAgree. Its a question of each person's zone of tolerance :)
DeleteI have seen some people get along fabulously well with their exes. But personally, I feel that it is a sticky call. You never know how the decision can backfire because the friendship is complicated to begin with.
ReplyDeleteI myself wouldn't be comfortable with it... the past is past for a reason... still, it all depends on an individual's boundaries and limits :)
DeleteThe ex is a EX for a reason .. simple to understand so let them be EX..
ReplyDeleteits does not matter how you broke up, end of the day its a BROKEN relation.. again simple to understand
although when kids are involved it becomes complicated ..
Bikram's
True... with kids, it becomes impossible to break off completely... but then again, being friends with the ex is different from keeping in touch on account of kids... you can keep in touch with kids without being friendly or having any good feelings for an ex... being friends is something else... That is what most aren't comfortable with, I guess..
Deleteextremely sound advice, i must say.
ReplyDelete:) thank you
DeleteI agree to what Bikram says..ex is ex..even if there are kids, let it be a very limited contact only..
ReplyDeleteI would be most comfortable with that too...
DeleteWhen it comes to relationships, facing practical reality would be the best thing to do as you rightly pointed out!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely... to each his own, whatever suits one best.
DeleteWould I be comfortable if my partner was in touch with her ex? I guess, I wouldn't . :(
ReplyDeleteI probably wouldn't be, either :P
DeleteGood topic again .... Loved the thought process you have put in this post... good job
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Deleteu olws write things whch hold so much meaning in thmslvs :) n m glad 2 be a part of ur blog!! being frnz wd ur ex depends on da situation..generally its either u cant stop lovng dem dats y u decide to stay as frnz or its dat u nva loved dem dats y being frnz is what u chose ..bt dats ma point of view :) neways awsm wrk loved it :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Palak, for the praise :) you're too kind!
DeleteWell, I see your point... The need to stay in touch with the ex does seem iffy; most people aren't sorted enough to be able to handle friendships like this, so its either that they weren't it love, or still are... or have totally gotten over them (though this sounds a bit stretched to me)...
True that! It is okay as long as it is not messy and things have been sorted and made clear.
ReplyDeletelove
http://www.meghasarin.com
Yep :) but things usually get messed up, only because most people don't have the maturity and wisdom to handle such friendships and prevent old feelings from creeping in.
DeleteOne reason to stay friendly (rather than friends) with your ex would be because of any children involved in the relationship. Once kids are in the equation, the two sides should be mature enough to be civil so the kids can get the benefit of being present in both their lives and not having to bear the back-biting!
ReplyDeleteYep, if kids are involved, there is no alternative... but its up to both exes to keep the interaction healthy and not get involved again if they are with new people.
DeleteIt has to stay within reasonable limits. If you had a reason to come out of it, do not find a reason to again get into the mess and spoil others' lives is what I'd say.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
DeleteIt does depend on each relationship and the trust between your present partner and you. But I would say, if you feel it's affecting your present relationship, then cut off ties with your ex.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, it shouldn't come in the way of the present relationship.
DeleteIs this advice valid for exes of teenage? LOL. I think it would have been better to categorise age and other details while talking about this issue. I can think of many categories (high-school sweetheart, twneties heart-throb, partner by marriage, live-in partner and so on).
ReplyDeleteWhatever said and done, the past is better off in the past and shouldn't intervene in the present. A good memory but better as a memory.
Joy always,
Susan
Hehe, even teens, why not... if a teenage girlfriend doesn't like her boyfriend canoodling with his ex, she is fully entitled to that :P any partner in any relationship is entitled to some regard from the other.
DeleteTeens and youngsters don't think that way, though they should! :D
Useful tips!! But even I belong to the club who are uncomfortable in remaining in touch with one's ex, let alone be friends. :(
ReplyDeletewww.anucreations.blogspot.in
I do, too.... still, to each his/her own!
DeleteAsh,
ReplyDeleteI thought there would be a post today.
Take care
Will definitely post again soon, uncle.
DeleteTrue...
ReplyDeleteEitherways, the Present is much more important than the Past !!!
Agreed :)
Delete